Baseball's Mid-Season Awards

We're officially at the halfway point in the Major League Baseball season, which only means that games start to matter now! In probably the feel good story of the year, the Yankees have the best record in baseball halfway through. How that team gets all the good players is beyond me. They must have some baseball STUDS running that team. Rounding out the top 5 teams are the Rangers, Nationals, Angels, and Pirates. Yeah, the Pirates. They're from Pittsburgh. (How awesome would it be if the MLB expanded and put a team in the Caribbean? They would have to move the Pirates, wouldn't they?) Rounding out the bottom 5 are the Rockies, Cubs, Astros, (surprise!) Padres, and, just because I'm supremely bitter, I'll throw the Red Sox in there. But I'll get to the Red Sox later. Here are my awards for the 1st half of the season.

"The team as hot as its city" award:


Is this really a mystery? The Nat's are hot baby!!! While the nation's capital suffers through record heat waves, their baseball team seems to respond accordingly. They hold the best record in the N.L., and don't look like they're going to give it up anytime soon. With their top 3 arms all having sub-3 ERA's and a more than solid bullpen, this team has 2010 San Francisco Giants written all over it.  Their offense has been spotty at times, but hopefully the return of OF Jayson Werth SHOULD help with that. (That's a big should, though.) Plus, Bryce Harper. (I couldn't think of a clever way to bring Harper into the discussion, so that seemed like as good a way as any.) The 19 year old phenom has caught the attention of the entire nation, hitting mammoth homeruns. My favorite part of that video is just how accurately the Toronto fans feed the "Canadians are entirely too nice" stereotype. A 19 year old kid came into their park and plastered one off the blackberry sign, and they all clap. Oh Canada. Are the Nats finally a legit threat to win the NL? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzbhjzsyvGk


"The biggest disappointment so far, mainly because he's on my fantasy team" award:


 Tim Lincecum. You're killing me Timmy. I take you with my 2nd overall pick and this is how you repay me? By going  3-10 with an ERA hovering around, like, 65? What happened to back-to-back Cy Young, 10 K's a game, pot smoking Tim? The numbers aren't trending well, either. Every year since his 2009 Cy Young, his K's per game have gone down, and is now on his 3rd straight 10+ loss season. That very well could be because of San Fran's woeful offense, or the fact that he can only fool batters with his herky-jerky (that's not a real word, kids) windup for so long. It's probably a combination of both. Either way, you're not getting drafted any higher then the 7th round next year, Timmy. Sorry.


The "Oh god they're going to make it to the World Series and lose again"award, sponsored by the '91-'94 Buffalo Bills:


You're up, Texas Rangers! A.L. champs the past two years, the Rangers look poised to make another deep postseason run this year, having the 2nd best record in the A.L. The team absolutely rakes, averaging like 12 homeruns a game. (statistical accuracy is overrated) It's hard to pick the team's best hitter, it'd be like choosing which Tyler Perry show is more terrible than the others. You just can't do it. It's overwhelming. The Rangers pitching is sneaky good, especially with the addition of Asian pitcher/sensation Jeremy Lin- I mean Yu Darvish. Josh Hamilton is putting up MVP numbers, with 27 HR's and 75 RBI's at the half. Both on paper and on the field, this team looks like they are the team to beat. Which is why they'll get beat! By the time the Rangers bow out, high-school football season will be in full tilt, and that's good enough for Texas. What a strange place. 

The "We've spent HOW much money and have won HOW many games?" award: 


We've got ourselves a three way tie! The Red Sox/Tigers/Phillies all accept this award on behalf of every fair-weather fan in baseball. Let's throw out some stats in a bit I like to call "A list of things in bullet form that you will probably skim over and not read, similar to this sentence."

Phillies- 2nd highest payroll in MLB/ record- 38-51- 14 games back in the NL East.
Tigers- 5th highest payroll in MLB/ record- 45-43- 3.5 games back in the AL Central.
Red Sox- 3rd highest payroll in MLB/ record- 44-44- 10.5 games back in the AL East.

The Yankees own the best record in baseball and the highest payroll. They're baseball's equivalent of that asshole who got a 98 on the science test that everyone else bombed, killing the curve. Whatever. The Yankees suck.

The fact of the matter is that baseball is slowly learning that money doesn't buy good players. Free agents are paid for what they have done in the past, not what they are going to do in the future. If there was a team that could climb out of this, it would be the Tigers. The AL Central blows, and when your MVP and Cy Young caliber ace is dating Kate Upton, someone upstairs must be pulling for you. The Sox won't make the playoffs under the idiot of a manager they currently have, (even saying his name makes me mad) and Philly's offense is about 4 years past it's prime. As for the Phillies pitching, Cliff Lee apparently decided that winning was not important anymore, Halladay has started to show signs of wear and tear, and Cole Hamels dresses like this.

That's enough humor for one day!

Actual predictions:
N.L MVP: Joey Votto, 1B, Cincinnati Reds
A.L. MVP: Josh Hamilton, OF, Texas Rangers
N.L. Pennant: Washington Nationals
A.L Pennant: Texas Rangers
World Series Champ: Whoever wins 4 games first.

Jam of the Day:

And then this: